My Heart is a Neon Sign
I stutter. That is the truth
that I have lived, of course.
Avoidance permeates every
thing that I do. I did not ask
for this affliction. Something in
my brain that doesn’t work the
way I feel – imbedded in my
psyche is pure fear that I feel on
a very regular basis. I find that
opening my mouth is about letting
go of myself. It feels like my heart
is a neon sign pointing to my need
to be punished. That’s the gist of it.
I know better. I blame myself for
that too. I feel like I already know
what to do, and I feel as though
time is running out. This is as it
should be. It’s time for tossing out
the false and to make sense of
what it means to struggle. So many
of us have had to make shifts about
who we are so we could believe.
We must come to terms with the past.
We can’t really grow up until we find
a way to give what we need to
ourselves – that’s one of the most
beautiful things. We get to give ourselves
that stand before the scorching flames,
decide what to swallow and what to cast out.